Death of a Mother

When the tears won't stop falling, and the pain keeps on growing...

Don't know how much more I can take, not knowing. 

If ever a day comes when I can take no more, let it be known it was caused by the courts. 

My mother and sister stole my children away, I can't hear their laughter, their voices or play. 

The days are growing darker, the time soon will change. 

The holidays are looming and haunting my brain. 

I've made phone calls and emails, calls texts and unending pleas.

I get no responses, no regards for our needs. 

We've missed almost a year, the worst of my fears fall in cascades around me.

Don't wanna keep on with all the pain and these tears that well up inside me.

To my children, I love you! I'm sorry I'm not strong. It's obvious you're doing well, and each day will go on. 

I can't live without you.

I can't stand this pain. 

No matter how hard we've strived, there's been zero gain. 

We've paid money, lost it all, written letters and made numerous calls. 

They say there is nothing they will do for us at all. 

I've written many things, it's all over the web. 

I hope the legacy I've created will be enough when I am dead. 

My heart it is simple, but too large and too deep. It calls for me to go now, one last and final sleep. 

Never doubt my love for you, every breath has been for you. I'm sorry I have failed each of you, too early in your youth. 

Please break the ties that bind you to the evilness of her generation. Else you'll be caught too in this epic self centered relation. 

Your grandmother Laverne did the same to her daughter Glenda so many years ago. Zorra Rainer can tell you so much more than I know. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

I know it's not enough. But I just can't take the heartache of remaining so tough. 

Stephen, I'm so proud of the man you've become! Please tell your brother and sister and yourself that everything I am that is anything good is all because of the three of you! 

Because of my love for you, I promise to live on. I don't know how I'll do it, but I've lasted this long! 

Someday when you escape or when they release you, please come look for me. I'll be some where surrounded by the tallest of pine trees. There'll be flowing water and wildlife and mountains galore. There at the bottom of the tallest pine floor, don't be afraid, don't worry, please knock on my door. I'll open it wide and welcome you home like never before. 

A Survivors Goodbye Letter.

My dearest Loved ones, my friends:
Goodbye.
Please take the time to read this when I have finally gone to my final resting place.
No longer in tears, no longer in pain.
I have proudly lived my life in transparency to everyone. This was the greatest achievement in the life of this survivor, aside from the birth and lives of my precious 3 children. No lies, no secrets, just truth.
The fact that I was sexually abused as a small child was well known.
The fact that my mother knew about the continued abuse of my older abuser for the remaining years of my childhood, and encouraged his presence in our home at different times throughout my childhood, even at the age of 17, is not, however, a fact that's as well known. Nor is the emotional neglect and manipulation that I still endure this moment. Every moment...
Shhhhhhhh........
No longer, shall I retain my silence!
It was only a year ago that my own eyes and mind were blasted opened to countless traumatic experiences I've endured throughout my life, as well as the ongoing emotional abuse I endure as a direct result of my hyper-active participation in a relationship with the woman I have called mother for 37 years.
Tick, tock...
Tick, tock...
Tick...
On and on the time drags on slowly... motionless. Daily, I awake in tears, crying over the dreams of my children that haunted me at night, immersed in a fresh flood of thoughts and emotions from simply being awakened by another day of cursed breath in my lungs, and the constant, and harsh reminder that I will face, yet again, another day of activities and emotions with out the loves of my life, nor able to fulfill purpose for which I was born, as a mother.
I wipe my eyes, angrily brushing the wet salty tears from my face.
My body swells with resentment and anger of the reality that is now my life. I fill my lungs with air, and hold my breath, just long enough that I feel the burn begin in my air passages... I wish they'd just explode. and then slowly, I exhale. Long, and drawn out, giving me every possible moment to stretch myself into some form of relaxation.
I don't ever really relax. My mind never slows down! It's a constant race for which resolution could be possible and also the most effective communication application. I am constantly revising what to say and how to say it, because I fear that each and every word that is ever taken from my mouth again will be manipulated, abused, and exploited!
Oh! The anger that fuels this burning heart!!!!! I scream! Why! Why all my life has it always been this way???? Why does my mother hate me??? Why is she doing this to my children???? What does she want??? Money????? Why!?!?!?
Why did all those moments on my knees and pouring my heart and soul out through the pages and pages of bibles, devotional, and concordances lead me here??? Through these emotions, thoughts, and nightmares?
What is love, anyway? Is it real?
A figment of our imaginations?
Or something we were taught to believe in, like Santa Claus?
We know the feeling, don't we?
Oh of course we do! Everything that feels even slightly warm and fuzzy gets attributed to love! Love and goodness and God. Because, they travel in 3's...
I myself have experienced love.
Love of course is penetrating. Intoxicating. A drug.
I can't stop thinking that love is what a person is supposed to feel about and from their own mother.
Yet, the feelings I have toward the woman who conceived me are vile, hateful and vengeful and I can absolutely not stand the fact that although I must gasp for every, fucking breath as a result of her actions, she is the one who tucks them in at night, sends them to school in the mornings, and accompanies my son across the field on senior night, apparently.
How. Dare she.
I wrote a poem once.
Goes like this.
What would they think if they could enter my thoughts?
I'd share the truth but in reality? I'd rather not!
I hate the game that has to be played; Just be strong they always say...
A constant battle that is so real,
I'm sick of hiding the ways that I feel.
I want to run, I want to hide...but honestly? All I can think of is suicide.
I don't want to hurt, I don't want to feel. I want to wake up and find none of this real.
I hate whats been done, I hate what they do,
God, didn't you know the only hope I had was you?
I've trusted your story, believed all those lines,
About your love, mercy grace and sacrifice.
My life is in shambles, My heart is broken and torn...
Every day is a battle, I feel hatred contempt and scorn!
I try to be grateful for all that you do,
I know that each breath comes directly from you; You say that you love me and won't cause me pain, but lately all I feel is alone broken and battered,
abandoned,
abused. Is it all in vain?
I long for your help, Lord,
Like Joseph left to die alone in that well.
Instead of leaving him helpless, you rescued and blessed him so well!
I'm sure that my thoughts can send me to hell,
My faith is in you God, you know me so well.
If I don't have you Lord, I have nothing at all;
I'm asking you now God, please,
Please....
Don't let me continue to fall...
Sometimes these things I so long to share,
Miss manners would say, this is nothing to air!
I fight to hold on, I fight every day!
What's wrong? Why fight this battle? Just trust God they all say!
They minimize my pain and don't know my sorrow...
goodnight, go to sleep, there'll be new blessings tomorrow.
Another time, I wrote the following:
I used to think a lot about running.
Like, if I went far away, then no one would know what happened and then I'd be able to do it...
I just could never figure out a way to do it without hurting people I cared for.
Then, the tables flipped, and all I could think about was how to do it and make it so my mother would hurt in the worst way possible, for the rest of her life.
I've lived with the spirit of suicide since childhood, as long as I can remember. It has been a living. Hell. An ongoing nightmare from which I could ever wake up.
All I could think about was the in-deniability of the constant, never ending pain and heartache that kept cycling over. And over. And over. Always. It has been torture. Since birth I imagine.
I'm not the one who chose to keep going...
God chose that for me.
He showed me in my spirit that he would not allow me to die until his assigned time.
In this revelation, I realized I didn't want to have to live with the stigma and embarrassment of a failed suicide attempt. I didn't want to have to share a testimony of that kind of survival with my children and grandchildren. Through this, God showed me that deep inside the God shaped hole inside my heart and soul, I desire to live. Not survive... but truly live.
Some days, I open my eyes and think oh my God. Another. Fucking. Day. I'm still. Fucking. Breathing.
A deep sigh, each of those heartbreaking days, and I breathe out, okay God. If you want me to live, you're gonna have to make me. Because I don't have the strength, stamina, or interest in doing it on my own. And it is only by his grace, and through HIS power, that I am capable of living, every. Single. Day. One moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
I should be dead. The very breath in my lungs, every single day, is absolutely and unquestionably Gods merciful miracle. Because No. I don't want to live another breath without holding my precious 3 children in my arms. Without being able to tell them I love them. Without the ability to watch them breathe... sleep... wake.... and grow.
I don't want to feel another second of this staggering pain in my chest when I inhale the bitter taste of betrayal brought to me by my own blood. People I trusted to love and protect me, no matter what!
Still, I breathe. I awake. Occasionally, I'm blessed with sleep. Regardless of my inner desire to stop feeling this excruciating pain, The Holy Spirit comes in like a flood, and gives me peace, and some kind of crazy, terrifying hope of a tomorrow that isn't wrought with torture and grief.
With this spirit driven peace, is joy. I constantly battle the fear of being disappointed with Gods answers and my reality each day. The what ifs cycle through my mind at a terrifying pace, nonstop. I must consciously, and intentionally rehearse scripture in my head, the truth of what I know to be real, regardless of the fact that every ounce of my flesh cries out in a horror film of emotions..

The Lord Will Fight For You.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints …” (Ephesians 6:13-18)

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, and will say, ‘Destroy!’ ” (Deuteronomy 33:27)

“But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.” (2 Thessalonians 3:

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)

“When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him.” (Isaiah 59:19)

“Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven with the saving strength of His right hand.” (Psalm 20:6)

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and You right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me …” (Psalm 138:7)

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” (Psalm 34:17)

“For you shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight; for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” (Isaiah 52:12)

Do not say, “I will recompense evil;” Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” (Proverbs 20:22)

“Many a time they have afflicted me from my youth; yet they have not prevailed against me … The Lord is righteous; He has cut in pieces the cords of the wicked.” (Psalm 129:2)

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.” (Psalm 18:2)

“But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him.” (Psalm 37:39)

Gods Promises For Families

God's promises are something He always keeps. 

Psalm 89:34, TLB. "No, I will not break my covenant; I will not take back one word of what I said."

The promises of God are yes and amen. 2 Corinthians 1:20 NJKV. "For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us."

Proverbs 14:26 In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.

There is no want to them that fear him. They that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing” (Psalms 34:9, 10).

Isaiah 49:25, NKJV. "For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children."

Psalms 127:3-5, NKJV. "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Corinthians 7:3, NKJV. "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

Ephesians 5:25-33, NKJV. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,[d] of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Isaiah 26:3, NKJV. "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."

Philippians 4:6, KJV. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

119:165, NKJV. "Great peace have those who love Your law, And nothing causes them to stumble."

Revelation 21:4, NKJV. "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Zilis

www.Zilis.com/Stephanie

Suicide

I wrote this just now to encourage a friend. This friend, and si many like her, encourage me each day to keep pressing on. If you're reading this, I hope that you, too, may find even a tiny glimmer of hope to press on. ~Stephanie
I used to think a lot about running.
Like, if I went far away, then no one would know what happened and then I'd be able to do it...
I just could never figure out a way to do it without hurting people I cared for.
Then, the tables flipped, and all I could think about was how to do it and make it so my mother would hurt in the worst way possible, for the rest of her life.
My final solution was to hang myself from the tall tree in her front yard. I just couldn't figure out how to do that and stab her in the face at the same time!
I've lived with the spirit of suicide since childhood, as long as I can remember. It has been a living. Hell. An ongoing nightmare from which I could ever wake up.
All I could think about was the in-deniability of the constant, never ending pain and heartache that kept cycling over. And over. And over. Always. It has been torture. Since birth I imagine.
I'm not the one who chose to keep going...
God chose that for me.
He showed me in my spirit that he would not allow me to die until his assigned time.
In this revelation, I realized I didn't want to have to live with the stigma and embarrassment of a failed suicide attempt. I didn't want to have to share a testimony of that kind of survival with my children and grandchildren. Through this, God showed me that deep inside the God shaped hole inside my heart and soul, I desire to live. Not survive... but truly live.
Some days, I open my eyes and think oh my God. Another. Fucking. Day. I'm still. Fucking. Breathing.
A deep sigh, each of those heartbreaking days, and I breathe out, okay God. If you want me to live, you're gonna have to make me. Because I don't have the strength, stamina, or interest in doing it on my own. And it is only by his grace, and through HIS power, that I am capable of living, every. Single. Day. One moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
I should be dead. The very breath in my lungs, every single day, is absolutely and unquestionably Gods merciful miracle. Because No. I don't want to live another breath without holding my precious 3 children in my arms. Without being able to tell them I love them. Without the ability to watch them breathe... sleep... wake.... and grow.
I don't want to feel another second of this staggering pain in my chest when I inhale the bitter taste of betrayal brought to me by my own blood. People I trusted to love and protect me, no matter what!
Still, I breathe. I awake. Occasionally, I'm blessed with sleep. Regardless of my inner desire to stop feeling this excruciating pain, The Holy Spirit comes in like a flood, and gives me peace, and some kind of crazy, terrifying hope of a tomorrow that isn't wrought with torture and grief.
With this spirit driven peace, is joy. I constantly battle the fear of being disappointed with Gods answers and my reality each day. The what ifs cycle through my mind at a terrifying pace, nonstop. I must consciously, and intentionally rehearse scripture in my head, the truth of what I know to be real, regardless of the fact that every ounce of my flesh cries out in a horror film of emotions.
My prayer is, Lord, If you're gonna make me live through this, USE IT. Use it for your glory Lord! Don't let a single tear drop fall in vain, to be wasted without absolute, God given purpose. I live out loud not just to survive, but to thrive. I share the hells of my life experiences with others so that they too, may know they aren't alone. That the pain is not in vain. That God has a plan and purpose for each of their lives, just like he does mine! There's nothing special about me. Nothing at all that's good IN me. I am a sinner in need of my savior, and uncountable distance from perfection.
I find purpose through encouraging others to find their hope and freedom in Christ... Sometimes God allows me to see a smile, or sigh of relief, or even a glint of hope in someone he's touching through me, it it fuels my next breath. My next day. My next week. Month. Year. He truly is all we need, and I can attes to this truth because I have literally lost every. Single. Piece of everything I love, at one time or another.
Except Jesus.
His promise never to leave me (or you!) is truth.
His oath of being our anchor and hope is truth.
That I have been given the mind of Christ... is truth. That he will give us strength to stand. That's truth too.
It's a battle to choose His unfailing truth over my faulty and fickle thoughts and emotions. But by his mercy and grace, he walks with me and shows me that it's possible, every single step of the way. Hope. Just a tiny bit. Faith... terrifying as it may be to know that each time I rely on his promises, things may not turn out the way I hope, is worth it. It grows. It's like tiny little seeds each time we take a step along His pathway to peace.... tiny steps, no matter... we must continue to move forward, trusting that he will make all things right if we surrender to his will! Serenity. It's possible. It really is. I love you precious one. Gods not finished with you yet. One. Step. At. A. Time.

We walk this valley together. We will walk the mountaintops together too. We will share our faith with each other when the other is running low! Together, we can do this thing called life. Not only to survive, but to thrive. Choose life. 

Hourglass of Waiting

I'm stuck here in this hour glass,
Time is standing still.
Emotions and desires, the sands of time will heal.
Broken, bruised, abandoned,
Yet I seek to do Gods will.
I miss them every moment, each breath exhausting pain!
I'm desperate for the moment I can hold them in my arms again.
The sand runs through this hourglass,
I'm helpless to erase,
Betrayal, lies, and hatred fill so much of my empty space.
Forgive them Lord, completely, Lord, they know not what they do;
I try so hard my father, to think and act just like you.
How much longer will I be here, in this cold and lonely place?
I've lost count of the tears I've cried, that stream down my sad face.
You keep them in your bottle, Lord, I imagine what they're for.
My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are neither nor.
I cannot grasp the depths of love that lift me up to walk on stormy seas.
You rescue me from darkness, I carry sin no more. Your yoke is easy, your burden is light, and each day, you carry me.
I'm tired, restless, and impatient, Lord, I trust you all my days.
I wish that I could understand these dark and weary ways! My heart is broke in pieces, I've never felt so whole. Each day your love surrounds me, and brings comfort to my soul.
I feel so desperate, so alone, I cannot stand my breath. I long to feel the sting of death, that robs it from my chest.
Like Job, I curse my day of birth, each day has been so hard! I bless your name, I lift you high, my memories are blurred!

I want to hold my children Lord, I long for their embrace! I'll wait for you, each breath, O Lord, as tears fall down my face.

A Proverb A Day, 6

Lessons for Daily Life

6 My child,^[m] if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
² if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
and are caught by what you said—
³ follow my advice and save yourself,
for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
go and beg to have your name erased.
⁴ Don’t put it off; do it now!
Don’t rest until you do.
⁵ Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
like a bird fleeing from a net.

⁶ Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones.
Learn from their ways and become wise!
⁷ Though they have no prince
or governor or ruler to make them work,
⁸ they labor hard all summer,
gathering food for the winter.
⁹ But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep?
When will you wake up?
¹⁰ A little extra sleep, a little more slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
¹¹ then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit;
scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.

¹² What are worthless and wicked people like?
They are constant liars,
¹³ signaling their deceit with a wink of the eye,
a nudge of the foot, or the wiggle of fingers.
¹⁴ Their perverted hearts plot evil,
and they constantly stir up trouble.
¹⁵ But they will be destroyed suddenly,
broken in an instant beyond all hope of healing.

¹⁶ There are six things the Lord hates—
no, seven things he detests:
¹⁷ haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that kill the innocent,
¹⁸ a heart that plots evil,
feet that race to do wrong,
¹⁹ a false witness who pours out lies,
a person who sows discord in a family.

²⁰ My son, obey your father’s commands, (I am reminded of my Daddy's letters he wrote me before his death, encourage me to know the Lord, to love him, so that we can all be together as a family in heaven.)
and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.
²¹ Keep their words always in your heart.
Tie them around your neck.
²² When you walk, their counsel will lead you.
When you sleep, they will protect you.
When you wake up, they will advise you.
²³ For their command is a lamp
and their instruction a light;
their corrective discipline
is the way to life.
²⁴ It will keep you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman.
²⁵ Don’t lust for her beauty.
Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.
²⁶ For a prostitute will bring you to poverty,^[n]
but sleeping with another man’s wife will cost you your life.
²⁷ Can a man scoop a flame into his lap
and not have his clothes catch on fire?
²⁸ Can he walk on hot coals
and not blister his feet?
²⁹ So it is with the man who sleeps with another man’s wife.
He who embraces her will not go unpunished.

³⁰ Excuses might be found for a thief
who steals because he is starving.
³¹ But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole,
even if he has to sell everything in his house.
³² But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool,
for he destroys himself.
³³ He will be wounded and disgraced.
His shame will never be erased.
³⁴ For the woman’s jealous husband will be furious,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
³⁵ He will accept no compensation,
nor be satisfied with a payoff of any size.

A Proverb A Day, 5

Avoid Immoral Women

5 My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
listen carefully to my wise counsel.
² Then you will show discernment,
and your lips will express what you’ve learned.
³ For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,
and her mouth is smoother than oil.
⁴ But in the end she is as bitter as poison,
as dangerous as a double-edged sword.
⁵ Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.^[j]
6 For she cares nothing about the path to life.
She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.

⁷ So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say:
⁸ Stay away from her!
Don’t go near the door of her house!
⁹ If you do, you will lose your honor
and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved.
¹⁰ Strangers will consume your wealth,
and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
¹¹ In the end you will groan in anguish
when disease consumes your body.
¹² You will say, “How I hated discipline!
If only I had not ignored all the warnings!
¹³ Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers?
Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors?
¹⁴ I have come to the brink of utter ruin,
and now I must face public disgrace.”

¹⁵ Drink water from your own well—

share your love only with your wife.^[k]
16 Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
having sex with just anyone?^[l]
17 You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers.

¹⁸ Let your wife (husband) be a fountain of blessing for you.

Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her (his) love.
²⁰ Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,
or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?

²¹ For the Lord sees clearly what a man does,
examining every path he takes.
²² An evil man is held captive by his own sins;
they are ropes that catch and hold him.
²³ He will die for lack of self-control;
he will be lost because of his great foolishness.

A Proverb a Day, 4

A Father’s Wise Advice

4 My children,^[h] listen when your father corrects you.
Pay attention and learn good judgment,
² for I am giving you good guidance.
Don’t turn away from my instructions.
³ For I, too, was once my father’s son,
tenderly loved as my mother’s only child.

⁴ My father taught me,
“Take my words to heart.
Follow my commands, and you will live.
⁵ Get wisdom; develop good judgment.
Don’t forget my words or turn away from them.
⁶ Don’t turn your back on wisdom, for she will protect you.
Love her, and she will guard you.
⁷ Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!
And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.
⁸ If you prize wisdom, she will make you great.
Embrace her, and she will honor you.
⁹ She will place a lovely wreath on your head;
she will present you with a beautiful crown.”

¹⁰ My child,^[i] listen to me and do as I say,
and you will have a long, good life.
¹¹ I will teach you wisdom’s ways
and lead you in straight paths.
¹² When you walk, you won’t be held back;
when you run, you won’t stumble.
¹³ Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go.
Guard them, for they are the key to life.

¹⁴ Don’t do as the wicked do,
and don’t follow the path of evildoers.
¹⁵ Don’t even think about it; don’t go that way.
Turn away and keep moving.
¹⁶ For evil people can’t sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day.
They can’t rest until they’ve caused someone to stumble.
¹⁷ They eat the food of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence!

¹⁸ The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.
¹⁹ But the way of the wicked is like total darkness.
They have no idea what they are stumbling over.

²⁰ My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
²¹ Don’t lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
²² for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.

²³ Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.

²⁴ Avoid all perverse talk;
stay away from corrupt speech.

²⁵ Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
²⁶ Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
²⁷ Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

A Proverb A Day, 3

Trusting in the Lord

3 My child,^[e] never forget the things I have taught you.
Store my commands in your heart.
² If you do this, you will live many years,
and your life will be satisfying.
³ Never let loyalty and kindness leave you!
Tie them around your neck as a reminder.
Write them deep within your heart.
⁴ Then you will find favor with both God and people,
and you will earn a good reputation.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
⁶ Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

⁷ Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.
Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
⁸ Then you will have healing for your body
and strength for your bones.

⁹ Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the best part of everything you produce.
¹⁰ Then he will fill your barns with grain,
and your vats will overflow with good wine.

¹¹ My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline,
and don’t be upset when he corrects you.
¹² For the Lord corrects those he loves,
just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.^[f]

¹³ Joyful is the person who finds wisdom,
the one who gains understanding.
¹⁴ For wisdom is more profitable than silver,
and her wages are better than gold.
¹⁵ Wisdom is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
¹⁶ She offers you long life in her right hand,
and riches and honor in her left.
¹⁷ She will guide you down delightful paths;
all her ways are satisfying.
¹⁸ Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
happy are those who hold her tightly.

¹⁹ By wisdom the Lord founded the earth;
by understanding he created the heavens.
²⁰ By his knowledge the deep fountains of the earth burst forth,
and the dew settles beneath the night sky.

²¹ My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment.
Hang on to them,
²² for they will refresh your soul.
They are like jewels on a necklace.
²³ They keep you safe on your way,
and your feet will not stumble.
²⁴ You can go to bed without fear;
you will lie down and sleep soundly.
²⁵ You need not be afraid of sudden disaster
or the destruction that comes upon the wicked,
²⁶ for the Lord is your security.
He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.

²⁷ Do not withhold good from those who deserve it
when it’s in your power to help them.
²⁸ If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say,
“Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.”

²⁹ Don’t plot harm against your neighbor,
for those who live nearby trust you.
³⁰ Don’t pick a fight without reason,
when no one has done you harm.

³¹ Don’t envy violent people
or copy their ways.
³² Such wicked people are detestable to the Lord,
but he offers his friendship to the godly.

³³ The Lord curses the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the home of the upright.

³⁴ The Lord mocks the mockers
but is gracious to the humble.^[g]

³⁵ The wise inherit honor,
but fools are put to shame!

A Proverb A Day, Proverbs 2

The Benefits of Wisdom

2 My child,^[c] listen to what I say,
and treasure my commands.
² Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
³ Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
⁴ Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
⁵ Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
⁶ For the Lord grants wisdom!
From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
⁷ He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
⁸ He guards the paths of the just
and protects those who are faithful to him.

⁹ Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair,
and you will find the right way to go.
¹⁰ For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will fill you with joy.
¹¹ Wise choices will watch over you.
Understanding will keep you safe.

¹² Wisdom will save you from evil people,
from those whose words are twisted.
¹³ These men turn from the right way
to walk down dark paths.
¹⁴ They take pleasure in doing wrong,
and they enjoy the twisted ways of evil.
¹⁵ Their actions are crooked,
and their ways are wrong.

¹⁶ Wisdom will save you from the immoral woman,
from the seductive words of the promiscuous woman.
¹⁷ She has abandoned her husband
and ignores the covenant she made before God.
¹⁸ Entering her house leads to death;
it is the road to the grave.^[d]
19 The man who visits her is doomed.
He will never reach the paths of life.

²⁰ Follow the steps of good men instead,
and stay on the paths of the righteous.
²¹ For only the godly will live in the land,
and those with integrity will remain in it.
²² But the wicked will be removed from the land,
and the treacherous will be uprooted.

A Proverb A Day, Proverbs 1

The Purpose of Proverbs

(New Living Translation)

1 These are the proverbs of Solomon, David’s son, king of Israel.

² Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
to help them understand the insights of the wise.
³ Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
to help them do what is right, just, and fair.
⁴ These proverbs will give insight to the simple,
knowledge and discernment to the young.

⁵ Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.
Let those with understanding receive guidance
⁶ by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,
the words of the wise and their riddles.

⁷ Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

A Father’s Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom

⁸ My child,^[a] listen when your father corrects you.
Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.
⁹ What you learn from them will crown you with grace
and be a chain of honor around your neck.

¹⁰ My child, if sinners entice you,
turn your back on them!
¹¹ They may say, “Come and join us.
Let’s hide and kill someone!
Just for fun, let’s ambush the innocent!
¹² Let’s swallow them alive, like the grave^[b];
let’s swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.
¹³ Think of the great things we’ll get!
We’ll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.
¹⁴ Come, throw in your lot with us;
we’ll all share the loot.”

¹⁵ My child, don’t go along with them!
Stay far away from their paths.
¹⁶ They rush to commit evil deeds.
They hurry to commit murder.
¹⁷ If a bird sees a trap being set,
it knows to stay away.
¹⁸ But these people set an ambush for themselves;
they are trying to get themselves killed.
¹⁹ Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;
it robs them of life.

Wisdom Shouts in the Streets

²⁰ Wisdom shouts in the streets.
She cries out in the public square.
²¹ She calls to the crowds along the main street,
to those gathered in front of the city gate:
²² “How long, you simpletons,
will you insist on being simpleminded?
How long will you mockers relish your mocking?
How long will you fools hate knowledge?
²³ Come and listen to my counsel.
I’ll share my heart with you
and make you wise.

²⁴ “I called you so often, but you wouldn’t come.
I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.
²⁵ You ignored my advice
and rejected the correction I offered.
²⁶ So I will laugh when you are in trouble!
I will mock you when disaster overtakes you—
²⁷ when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,
and anguish and distress overwhelm you.

²⁸ “When they cry for help, I will not answer.
Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.
²⁹ For they hated knowledge
and chose not to fear the Lord.
³⁰ They rejected my advice
and paid no attention when I corrected them.
³¹ Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,
choking on their own schemes.
³² For simpletons turn away from me—to death.
Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.
³³ But all who listen to me will live in peace,
untroubled by fear of harm.”

Matthew 6:30-33

 

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

MY OBSTETRICIAN IS Jehovah-Rapha!!!! HEALER....GOD! (and HE alone is MORE THAN ENOUGH.)

.by Stephanie Cawthron on Friday, January 21, 2011 at 5:33am.





Written by... ME. It has come to my attention that there are some "out there" who are concerned by my recent decision to have our baby in the comfort of our home... my hope is that the following "note" will help alleviate some of that concern, and increase the readers' faith not in our decision, but in God.



Thanks to those who... questioned.... I've been sitting on the fence for too long...













ONLY GOD CAN CREATE AND BRING LIFE INTO THIS WORLD, AND SUSTAIN IT!



No man can touch this... we are His children... I believe that only HE can breathe life into our lungs, and only HE can take it away... No amount of activity (or lack thereof) can change that...



Only God wrote our stories for life... from beginning, to end.







Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31





For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27



In me you live and move and have your being.Acts 17:28



For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28



I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5







I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12





You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16







1 Samuel 2:6



God brings death and God brings life, brings down to the grave and raises up. God brings poverty and God brings wealth; he lowers, he also lifts up. He puts poor people on their feet again; he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, Restoring dignity and respect to their lives— a place in the sun! For the very structures of earth are God's; he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation. He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step, but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark. No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle! God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky, crashed in a heap and burned. God will set things right all over the earth, he'll give strength to his king, he'll set his anointed on top of the world!







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





THE GREAT PHYSICIAN is who I trust and have Faith in.... HE is the ONLY one that has never let me down.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



GOD AS HEALER:





God Is The Author And Source Of Life





The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.







I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10







Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father



of lights, with Whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. James 1:17







God is the author and source of life, health, and all that is good.



We have an enemy that desires to destroy us, whom we are to resist



steadfast in the faith. (James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:8,9)







Exod 23:25-26



So you shall serve the LORD your God, and He will bless your bread and your water.



And I will take sickness away from the midst of you. No one shall suffer miscarriage



or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.







Prov 4:20-22



My son, give attention to my words; incline your ear to my sayings.



Do not let them depart from your eyes; keep them in the midst of



your heart; For they are life to those who find them, and health to all their flesh.













GOD AS CREATOR:







MAN BECOMES A LIVING SOUL.









Genesis 2:7









God's last acts of Creation was that God formed man and woman. First God created man's body. Everything was in place but it was lifeless. Next God, started man's heart, and lungs to function and man came alive. God was the source of life, although the material man was made of was lifeless matter of the earth it only became a "living being" when God put life into it. God breathed in man's nostrils the breath of life. The word breath is used in various ways in Scripture, Generally it means "spirit" which this seems to be what is meant here. God gave man the "spirit of life."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



If we put our faith in man, by being more trusting in DOCTORS or whoever MORE than we trust GOD, doesn't that undermine the very HEART OF GOD and the FAITH He wants His followers to have?



I believe that most people today believe that GOD will heal us only through the DOCTORS hands... and medicine.. But what I firmly believe, is that GOD CAN, AND WILL HEAL, in any way HE wants to... and I don't need to look elsewhere for His comfort, healing, or Life... He is the lifegiver... there's nothing we as humans can do to change that.







My faith has undergone ridiculous refining over the last 3 years... it has been insanely difficult for me. I've had tons of ups, and downs... even to the point where I have questioned...DEEPLY... the very existence of God in my life. I have questioned whether or not He even cares enough to be involved or to answer my prayers... But the fact of the matter is, that HE is ALWAYS there... whether I want Him to be, or not... and HE is ALWAYS in control... because He's made a point to make that FACT distinctly clear to me over, and over, and over again. The only way I can be happy, and truly fulfilled, is when I fully trust Him to be in control, and guide my life... every breath, every step, every decision... and the only way I can do that is to take my eyes and my faith away from HUMAN STRENGTH, of EVERY source (yes, doctors included), and focus solely on following Him and His voice that I have so clearly been able to hear...even when I deny it. It's a very hard thing, for me... to want to listen to Him and His leading in my life... terrifying most of the time actually. Because no matter what, I KNOW that whatever He asks of me, will NOT be easy... My experience is that when I obey Him, it ALWAYS causes friction somewhere in my life...with someone. I've listened to those "someones, " too often in my life... to the point of near suicide because I was so distraught by the reactions of others.







QUESTION ME... THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE... But don't question God, or His voice and calling in my life. I hear Him clearly. I trust Him fully. I want to obey Him BLINDLY.





ONLY HE knows me intimately... there are not many on this earth that can say that... I'm an open book... TRANSPARENT... but there are not many out there who have the time or interest to go there with me... therefore, HE alone is my best friend... He alone knows the innermost, delicate thoughts, worries, fears, hopes, and dreams. HE ALONE Cares completely. And He Alone, UNDERSTANDS ME.





~Stephanie Cawthron







.