I have prayed and prayed, and edited and edited in regards to this letter, and still, I’m sure, it isn’t perfect. I ask you to bear with me, and please accept this with the heart and mind of one who desires, above all else, that God be glorified in everything I do and say.
In response, at last, to your previous comments to me...
I'm going to take that whole, making life interesting thing as a complement! Life is dull and drab to most people...they just float through, doing "fine" every time the question is posed...drives me quite batty to be honest with you. If we are living in love with THE Messiah, we really ought to be living in a way that is more than "fine." Paul challenges us to TAKE joy...and so I do. I believe God made me, and made me just this way (though I firmly know that I am a work in progress!!)...and that I thrill Him, and make Him laugh at least once every single day, and smile through much of the rest...and that is enough to allow me to be excited, and give me a feeling that I am free to be me, whatever that looks like, because it is Him who I want to please, and make happy. I understand that I cannot serve or please God and man. So I choose to please Him. It's much easier anyway. Trying to please people is exhausting...and I lived like that for a very long time. There are times I still fight that battle, especially with you, because I know you are the pastor, and what an undertaking that “position” must be.
I just want to let you know that the website wasn't "out there," only you, ******, and myself (and ***** because she's my editor.) know about it right now, and it is very much in its early stages, and very, very much a draft!!! I only published it briefly enough for the two of you to see it. Now that I know you have both seen it, it is unpublished, and unavailable to anyone but me. It is a long, long way from the vision I had for it that I felt was being created in my heart! I know I had mentioned the site to you a couple of times since last November. This was probably the fifth draft I'd created, and just began it a few weeks ago. A lot of the links I pulled from ******* site, the others are just some ideas and sites that I have enjoyed, and the tabs, such as the clubs etc. will be renamed at some point to go along with our needs. It will not be posted publicly or anything until whoever needs to has seen and approves etc. unless I change it altogether to just make it a site about "My Church," which so far I have not been led to do. I just know how long it takes me to do things the way I want them, and then to add an entire church committee and pastor will take forever more...not to mention what huge undertaking it is for me and the work of keeping it updated and making PEOPLE happy. But for now, I believe it is in God's hands, and when the time is right, the site will then be made public and advertised, whatever that looks like. The initial flyers that I sent ****** that had it on there were the wrong ones :) oops! I did however, ask for you and ****** to check it out, in the hopes that as you have already begun, help me to get an idea of what other ideas you each would like to see on the site, and also get a feel for the other steps that are involved in presenting it.
Anyway I no longer feel I am being led to continue working on that endeavor at this time, though I have been praying about it for almost a year, and will continue to do so. My fire for this has been spit on.
I am still learning how to get anything suggested/heard, or presented to actually be able to get anything done in any area around the church. That has been a constant struggle for me.
You also said, "Stephanie, I am the pastor and essentially that means that the buck stops here. Whether or not I had anything to do with it, people will come to me with their questions and complaints; or else i will be accused of something i had nothing to do with - that's just the way it works in most churches and certainly around here. That's one reason why I like to know what's going out in the name of the church to the church or the community or the world at large BEFORE it goes out. Another reason is that as Pastor, i have a biblical obligation before God for the scriptural/doctrinal integrity of the church. Please, I need you to respect that obligation as well as the position I'm put in when things are put out there in the church's name and I have no idea what it's about until I see it like everyone else. It's not so much a matter of trust as it is of procedure."....
How prideful and full of yourself can you be? “The buck stops here…?” Really? I was sure it was supposed to be about God…not you, that HE ALONE IS HEAD OF THE CHURCH. You are so worried about what the people will think! What a heavy burden to bear! One that is not yours to bear! That burden is for Christ! Not a mere man who has no power aside from that given to him by God alone. You are incapable of breathing without the presence of God! You cannot, should not, and are not called to carry an entire congregation alone.
1 Peter 5
To Elders and Young Men
1To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: 2Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.
In the study, When God Speaks, I learned that "our job is not to do all the work, but to teach and equip the members so that together we will be able to carry out God's assignment for our church”.
I don’t know about others, but what I have experienced is this: when I have asked if I can help, I have been told no more times than not. I have asked if anything comes up to be asked or let know... doesn't happen very often. I believe the reason any church does not have active members is because when they try, they are pushed away by the very “leaders” that are supposed to disciple them…to teach them to WALK in their spiritual gifts…not tell them no! They are then discouraged, and fearful of trying again. So they give up, and instead of acting in the excitement of FAITH, they quit trying, because they are afraid of being rejected by God (or his people). It takes a person of great faith and tenacity to get past something like this!
So, with all that in mind, I prefer to follow God where I am led, in areas and projects and in speaking that which I feel led. Bottom line, in my mind, God is the ultimate head of the church. And if I am praying, reading God's words, and spending time in His presence...I will be acting humbly in what I believe to be in accordance with God's will in my life. I believe if that is truly the situation, and if you are doing the same, there should be no dissention between you and me, or me and God's church. When there are disagreements, I will be the first to check myself and see if I am wrong! I am far from perfect. But I do know that I am now very capable of hearing God speak into my life...and that I must obey Him.
I also believe that God has put me within your leadership for my personal and spiritual growth, as well as for your own. I have not been led there to regress, or suppress what He has taught me, or the excitement that I have in Him, or the venue in which I feel He used to get me where I am now. It is a very, very challenging process for me, as I am sure it is for you. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just give up, and quit, because believe me; I have experienced a large portion of discouragement! However, I know that is not what God wants me to do in my life.
Have you ever experienced speaking your joy and excitement to someone, and them just shutting down on you and going the opposite direction with the conversation? Or when following in obedience to Christ, they just told you, no, you can’t do that? This is something I experience frequently. Especially with you, one who I assumed would be the most excited with me of all, because of the relationship I presume you have with Christ. I won't even begin to guess what your relationship with our Father is like...won't even go there. But for now, I will continue to learn all I can through this experience with you.
There are many ways that God uses to fill me, and teach me and move me besides the very, very few hours I spend at ******* ******* ****** on Sunday. There is no way to know someone other than to spend time with them. Honestly, you and I have no idea about each other in many ways. That's ok. I know my God knows me, to the very core, and that is enough. I will always try to obey what I know Him to be saying to me, even if it is uncomfortable to you or others. Change…growth…is always uncomfortable. When I am wrong, I will learn and move on. Working together in our church, in our community, is what I want more than anything! But I have to tell you...It's not an easy task. First and foremost, the lines/rules/expectations you have are very unclear to me. I don't know how to do too many things without stepping on toes, or whatever...Take that last Sunday for example...yes, my feelings were hurt, and I really appreciate your sensitivity to that. We left because I needed time to think and pray before reacting. This letter is the product of the thought and prayer.
Here’s where I was coming from. I had spent a week working on promo for the Fresh Encounter. I had poured my heart and soul into the verses, and images, and fitting them together just so bathed in constant prayer and searching of what I felt God wanted me to do. It would have taken me 3 minutes to print out a copy of that simple flyer for your approval...3 seconds for you to read it...and it was so simple there really wasn't much to it. All I needed was a password that has been given to me a million times...oh for a better memory!
Instead….you told me no, and since I feel that God told me yes, and led me in my work, and that he put those items in my heart and mind for His church, I felt like you rejected Him as well.
Anyway...it just struck me as odd that you would need to approve a simple flyer, and not once, as far as I am aware, has my lesson or words I have been teaching kids ever once been questioned or reviewed, or had the need for your prior approval. It just threw me off; I wasn't expecting you to reject me. I am learning to think before reacting...That Sunday was crazy for me, for reasons I won't even go into, and so, instead of having an instant reaction, we left.
It's been very difficult for me to find my place in the church, @ *******. My comfort zone is not others' comfort zone, because my life, my experiences have been so different...my excitement, my faith, freaks people out...and that is a very lonely, strange place to find myself. I know that God understands me...but sometimes, it's nice to talk to a human who is excited too...I don't get that support or encouragement at *******.
That's why the Road has been monumental to me. God is there...and He is so very present in the people who help to facilitate. I would hope, if for no other reason than to humor me...that you would please check into it again. Pastors go for free, to all parts. The church that they invite those who attend part 2 to is The Harvest is in Allen...Steve Collins is the Senior Pastor there...they have seen testimony after testimony, including mine, from people who have gone through the Road, and heard first hand what God is doing. Many of their congregation has come directly from the Road. I'm sure they would also be able to give you information. I hope you have taken time to glance through some of the Road newsletters I have forwarded to you...there's a lot of growth going on right now...lots of prayer being lifted up over the changes that are being made, and a new ministry that is forming for Road graduates called The Journey Continues...it is discipleship training! I’m thrilled!
After I trained the first time...I came back...it was that Monday that VBS started. You said to me that you were satisfied right where you were spiritually. I am still struggling to see this from your point of view...and from Gods...I fail to see how anyone...especially a pastor, could ever be satisfied where they are spiritually. In my heart, I feel, and believe that God never ever wants us to be satisfied where we are in our spiritual life! I believe we should always strive to grow spiritually. I just keep telling myself, that's not what you meant...surely it isn't.
What I was trying to tell you that day, is more of what I mentioned previously about my study in When God Speaks. I learned that Jesus watched to see where His Father was working, and adjusted His life to become involved in that work. When Jesus saw a hardened sinner so anxious to see Him that he was willing to humiliate himself publicly and climb a tree, Jesus recognized the activity of God in Zaccheus' life. Jesus knew that He had to join His Father in what he was doing. (Luke 9:1-10) It also taught me that God's Spirit may give me a holy restlessness about a certain ministry that I cannot get out of my mind...In my case...The Road.
I am willing. I am so anxious for you to see what God is doing in me and the ministry of The Road Adventure, that I would climb a tree. I would publicly humiliate myself. I will continue living my changed life, in ways that are pleasing to God...and hopefully, through me, you will see Christ...that you will see that who I am now...the confidence in my Savior, my very personal, alive relationship with Him, came directly from having encountered God's presence and love and guidance on my Road Adventure.
Please, I beg of you, don't hinder or obstruct others from the emotional healing that is available at the Road... My ministry is there. My heart is there. And there, is within Christ. Christ is The Road...the road that led me to a closer relationship with My Heavenly Father. He led me to find peace within knowing that I am forgiven. He showed me who I am in Him. He showed me that it is okay to be myself, because I am who He created, and I am very good. I have never experienced, in my whole life, the love, and complete acceptance of God's people that I still experience to this day from a group of God's children.
So many people have current and past hurts and regrets, some of those hurts come from within The Church...and some can't get past all the junk enough to be able to see Christ for who He is...That's what the Road is about… un-obstructing the view. It's exactly what ******* **** teaches in counseling...different methods, but the concept is precise. It is all based on prayer. The entire building, in fact, is bathed in prayer! Literally, there are prayers and verses printed throughout the entire building behind the paint, beneath the carpet. There are Bibles between each of the walls...and it is prayer, and the leadership, and guidance of God's Holy Spirit that guides us in all that we do, each and every time we are there.
In the future, I would love the opportunity to "run things by you..." But, consider for me that there is a HUGE amount of fear and failure in that for me. As with The Road, and with me, you passed your judgment, (because of the words of one person, who by the way, does not define the entire organization or so many that are also involved)...and shut it down. Consequently, you shut me down too. In my opinion, you quenched (extinguished) the Holy Spirit within me. You tried to shut down my excitement for what I am seeing God do...you won't allow me to share my excitement with you, or others within the church thus, you have closed the door for others to be excited about what God is doing. I now feel shunned by some who you have shared your rejection with. ****** actually told me that some of the things I was doing are unbiblical. Yet, I am free to teach kids?
I feel like I can't do or say what God asked me to. I feel hurt. I feel angry. And I generally have a great distrust for the "inner circle" of any church, the pastor because of past situations, as well as current ones, and whoever surrounds him because never has a single deacon, or whoever else is behind you, has once come to me for my story. The Pastor is law. He is it. No need to question him, right? I’m sure you’ve never made a mistake.
My big deal is this. I know what I got...I want others to get it too. I know how I got it...and have never experienced anything like it...so I really know one venue that is as effective as it is...It's not about "The Road." IT IS ABOUT GOD. And the relationship I long to experience with others whom I love and care for...and in my capacity that God has given me, that is generally anyone I meet. But especially those who I really know on any level at all.
Like you said...your "endorsement" is necessary. Otherwise, I feel stuck and completely ineffective. I have God's approval, and hate feeling like I need yours to go on doing everything that God is calling me to do...but, it is what it is. I feel that you have hindered the ministry God has given me in my life by tainting me. The words you have shared with others, whatever you said, has diminished the work that God has done in me, and stopped completely the work he may have done in those who could have experienced His love through me. I feel very much like my reputation has been destroyed by you and the words you have spoken about something, and someone, me, you know very little about.
I simply ask this. Let Me Be and Do who and what God has called me to Be and Do. Even if it makes people….you… uncomfortable because the changes in one, forces changes in others. I believe that the changes God is producing in me are Godly. Good. And Much needed in the Christian community.
In Christ I Serve,
~Stephanie Cawthron
Please visit me @ HopefulHarvest.Info, the beginning of a Great Journey...at the baby steps of My Big Dream, Hopeful Harvest Ministries! Through this site, my hope is to speak the love, and truth of Christ to others in a way that is encouraging to their spiritual growth! It is my prayer that it's not my words that are placed here, but the words that God speaks through me instead.
Come; walk with me, as I embark on the journey of a lifetime! As I grow to know Christ Deeper and Deeper, and develop into the Daughter He is calling me to become...even through all I was in the past, which I will share with you as well! Because He has promised me, "Seek Me First, and My Righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you!"
The Son of Man came to find lost people and save them. Luke 19:10 NCV
God will do what it takes- whatever it takes- to bring His children home.
Sometimes "whatever it takes" is painful. Sometimes it is a burning truth inside that tells you this is not all there is! Do you know someone that is hurting today, maybe someone who does not know the way to eternal life? Is there a person in your circle of influence that could use an invitation to help them find the tools of forgiveness, healing from a painful past, confidence, purpose? Invite them to take a journey of self discovery and a journey that could change their life. Invite them to The Road Adventure.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. Galatians 6:9-10.
