I’ve rolled the past year over and over and over in my head. Again and again, past hurts come into my heart and my mind…and though I feel they’ve been dealt with, it still hurts. It still brings up feelings of bitterness and resentment. Somehow, I have got to get past this. It is still eating at me, and my spiritual growth and leadership has suffered as a result. I’m not fully sure about how to do this…So in itself…this is my journey….my Mountain…and it is time that I finally cross the peak. I’m ready to be on that downward slope of healing.
Words Hurt….the following are excerpts of a letter I received in response to what I felt God was calling me to say and do.
“Stephanie, your letter does not show any indication of prayer. Your tone is vindictive, hateful…judgmental and condemning…angry, insulting, and hurtful… disrespectful…. you have no respect for or understanding of spiritual matters or a pastor’s position.
You are still a very young Christian with only a beginner’s understanding of Scripture, the church, and spiritual matters….simply put…you are not ready.
What you perceive to be prideful is merely the statement of the reality of church life and church members’ expectations.
Stephanie, your letter was not encouraging, nor is your attitude…instead of joy and encouragement; you more often bring grief and disappointment. The words and tone of your letter are disheartening.
You should take a good, hard look at yourself and ask whether or not you are as Christ-centered as you claim to be. The whole idea you present really sounds more me-centered than Christ-centered.
There are some things about you that have NOT changed… You talk about this wonderful experience and the new person you are in God, and while I know you are a work in progress – as we all are – there are some things that compromise your testimony…. The aforementioned issue with authority is one of those things, as is the sense of spiritual superiority you seem to have. Leaving things unfinished is another. Not showing up when you have a responsibility to which you have committed yourself is still another.
Another issue is a very sensitive one that I have hesitated to bring up before, although I have been asked to do it…this matter should have been dealt with long ago.
There is the feeling that you will not take this letter in the spirit in which it is intended, that you will hear criticism instead of correction, and that you will only become angrier when you read it. However I am praying and trusting that you will read it prayerfully, that you will consider your unscriptural ideas of authority and freedom which form the basis of much of your unhappiness with me, and that you will examine just exactly what kind of witness you are for Christ – and for the Road – instead of falsely accusing me of poisoning people against you. “
This is where I freeze. As many times as I have read these letters in whole, I have felt many things…and have actually grown some because of some of the things that were said…however, the original spirit in which my original letter was intended, was one of hope…of…what I believe in my heart of hearts to have been TRUTH. And despite what the very first comment suggests, it was the result of DEEP prayer and seeking of God’s own heart about the matters that were at hand.
Why do these words cut so deeply? I’ve considered that they may hurt so much because they might be true…. And in the past, I have found a lot of them to be very true…especially the comments about compromising my testimony…those things, were taken from my past. I do not believe that they reflect me currently…nor do I believe that they did at the time the words were spoken of me… now that I am writing, I can see that those things might have taken some time to prove myself about….and therefore, I think I can grow even more from that.
When I am around the man that wrote these things to me….I feel nothing positive. In fact, I revert back to my old responses of hurt, bitterness, resentment, and anger. And I do not know how to move forward…despite my knowing that the things that were said, for the most part, are, and were untrue.
I want to move forward. I do. I simply do not know how.
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