Saturday, December 7, 2019

Evaporation Lines Explained

https://forum.madeformums.com/pregnancy/160517-confusing-pregnancy-test-result-help.html


Hello everyone image I get really annoyed when I read all these articles and comments about 'evaporation lines' on home pregnancy tests, and especially, when such comments or articles are said to be written by so-called 'experts' or 'clinicians', and which seem to leave a large number of women with all sorts of doubts and anxieties about test-results. So I thought I would sit and write a few facts about various similar tests. I am a clinician and I also have much experience using various tests within laboratories or clinical settings. I have also been trained in the medical micro-biology (lab-testing). The home pregnancy tests are 'assay' tests which rely on specific reactions between chemicals, to produce coloured lines. The 'control' lines of the home pregnancy tests are assayed areas which are designed to react with specific chemicals commonly found in urine, and which, when detected, react with the chemicals in the control-line assays (strips/areas) and turn them a certain colour (pink or blue depending on the test used). However, the 'pregnancy' assay (test -area/strip) is designed to change colour only if it comes into contact with the HCG hormone – the 'pregnancy' hormone. HCG is only produced when an egg has been fertilised. So then, if no conception has occurred, then no HCG will be produced by the body, and therefore, no HCG will ever be found in the urine. Moving on... sometimes fertilisation occurs and HCG is produced for a while, but for some reason, the body detects that the pregnancy will not be successful (not 'viable') and the fertilised egg ceases to continue to divide and develop. So the pregnancy stops. However, until the pregnancy stops, the woman will still be producing HCG, and may well have some of the other 'usual' symptoms of pregnancy (though some women have absolutely no symptoms for a considerable period of time), and; although the pregnancy may have stopped almost as soon as it began; it may still take a couple weeks or so for all the HCG in the body to be disposed-of via the urinary system. Also, it may still take a couple weeks or so for the 'symptoms of pregnancy' to stop altogether. This process of fertilisation, followed by a very early termination is known as a 'chemical pregnancy', and many women can have these, whereby the woman is sure she is pregnant, but then she later has a period – even though a home pregnancy test might have shown a faint or clear line in the first couple weeks or so – and hence is why some women are left wondering why their period returned. So for those women whereby, unfortunately, fertilisation has occurred, but the pregnancy was not viable, they were pregnant, but the pregnancy stopped. However, for those women whose egg(s) is fertilised, and for whom the pregnancy continues, then they will continue to produce HCG from the moment of fertilisation, and, those levels of HCG will rise over the coming weeks, and will, at some stage, be readily detectable either by home pregnancy tests, or by blood tests via their local Doctor or Clinic. So then, back to home pregnancy tests ….. I have already said that the control lines react to molecules found within normal urine, and, when those molecules pass over those control-line areas (control 'assay' areas) then the molecules come into contact with other molecules within the control assay and they bind together. Indeed, they are attracted to each other by a process known as 'chemotaxis'. And on contact, two different molecules form a 'complex' which changes both it's shape and it's colour – hence the coloured control lines you see in the test areas. However, if the right 

molecules are not present in the urine, then no other molecules can bind to the control molecules – and no colouration will occur – so the test will be 'void' – and another test should be done. However, in the event of carrying out a test – and the control lines change colour as they should, then the woman or couple is anxiously waiting (if they wish to have a baby that is) for the 'positive' or 'pregnancy' line to change colour too! And here is where we need to get onto the subject of the 'faint' lines and the 'evaporation' lines that people keep talking about. Going back to the test-strip; the 'pregnancy' line contains different molecules to the molecules of the 'control' lines; and the molecules in the pregnancy line/strip (the pregnancy test-assay) will only react – and change colour – in the presence of one other molecule; and that is the HCG hormone. No other molecule or hormone will cause it to change colour. Changing the subject slightly, if we take a pure white tissue and add one drop of water onto it, the area of the tissue containing the water will now have turned slightly 'grey' – because it's wet. But it wont turn pink or blue. So if we carry out a home pregnancy test and the control lines are pink or blue (depending on the test you use), but the 'pregnancy' strip remains white or slightly grey – even hours after the test – then there has been no HCG detected in the urine, to mix with the pregnancy-strip molecules and to make them change colour (which is what you will be hoping for). So if the strip remains white or slightly grey – no matter how many hours or days after you did the test - then the strip is simply wet from the urine, but it does not contain any HCG. So, either you are not pregnant, or, if your period has stopped, then you may still be pregnant but your HCG is so low that it cannot yet be detected by the test. However, if you do a test and you get the faintest coloured line in the 'pregnancy' test-strip/assay area on the test, then HCG has definitely been detected. If it's faint, then HCG is present in very low concentration, and if it is a dark coloured line, then the concentration of HCG is higher. But whatever the concentrations, provided you get a colour in he 'pregnancy' area, then you are pregnant at the time of testing. And now for the famous 'evaporation lines' that so many people – and 'experts' talk about. To start-with, no evaporation line will be coloured (pink or blue etc. depending on the test you used). Only the HCG can combine with the pregnancy-assay molecules and bring about a colour-change. So if the line is coloured – no matter how faint the line is – then HCG made the line change colour – nothing else! However, just like the wet tissue-paper we talked about earlier, if the area is simply wet with urine, the pregnancy strip may possibly turn a little 'grey' – like a 'shadowy' colour; but if there is no pink or blue colour, then no HCG has been detected. However, remember that the area of the test-stick that you 'wee' on is made of a very dense material, and urine will be absorbed by this dense material and will travel along the test-stick by 'passive-diffusion'. And liquids like to move from an area of their high concentration – to an area of their low concentration, so, because the test-stick is sealed and dry, the urine will travel along it – to it's other end – and may 'drip-out' inside the sealed area of the stick (the bit after the test and control areas that you cannot see). So the urine will keep moving until the end that you 'wee'd' on has no more urine to offer! Then the 'concentration gradient' ceases and the 'diffusion' will stop. And in most cases, test-sticks – especially those with caps on – can stay wet for days! So if you go back to the stick an hour, or two, or three or four hours etc after the test; and the 'pregnancy' strip has changed colour (pink or blue depending on the test etc), then, whilst the urine has spent several hours travelling up the stick from one end to it's other – and 'dripping out at the other end – the urine has been passing over the 'pregnancy' area all the while. Therefore, even if the HCG levels are virtually undetectable (but present in minute quantities), as the urine travels over the pregnancy-assay, the HCG will still be attracted-to (remember the 'chemotaxis' we talked about earlier) and will bind with the molecules in the pregnancy-assay – hence a positive coloured line showing up to several hours after the test was done. Like I said, no other molecule or hormone will make the pregnancy-assay change colour – except HCG. So, if after an hour, or several hours, you have a coloured line in any way, then HCG has been detected – and HCG can only be found in your urine if an egg has been fertilised. So let's not have any more if this 'evaporation line' confusion. If it's slightly grey or remains white – however long after the test you look - then no HCG is present. But if it 's coloured – then HCG is present – in whatever concentration – because only HCG can bring about the colouration of pink/blue, depending on the test you are using. And finally, some tests don't dry out for days – sometimes many days (especially those that you put the caps back on) - so the water-content of the urea has not even evaporated – yet people still go on about 'evaporation lines' – which, in my opinion, is nonsense. And for the record, my Wife's test had a coloured line several hours after we did the test – and I knew she was pregnant – despite the articles I read on the internet about evaporation lines. And indeed, the next tests proved that she was. I am critically aware of the intense emotions involved when people are hoping or trying to become pregnant - and I hate to think of the emotional heartache and anxieties that these mixed or uncertain test-results can cause - hence the reason for taking the time to write this short article. I hope it helps, and feedback - whether positive or otherwise - is always useful. 


Take care - and lots of baby-dust - to all prospective Mums-n-Dads



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Friday, November 8, 2019

New Beginnings... Stay Tuned!


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New beginnings...
The blog site got a fresh new makeover this morning! Still have some work to do, and I’m experiencing some technical challenges with bloggers website! Will get it done though, and looking forward to seeing how everything progresses as we begin moving forward after feeling so stuck for so long!

Many good things to come!




Let The Grief Go

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

A Narcissist’s Love Letter


A Narcissist’s Love Letter

By John Howell, May 25th 2013

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience.

When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

The Hourglass

I'm stuck here in this hour glass,

Time is standing still.

Emotions and desires, the sands of time will heal.  

Broken, bruised, abandoned,

Yet I seek to do Gods will. 

I miss them every moment, each breath exhausting pain!

I'm desperate for the moment I can hold them in my arms again. 

The sand runs through this hourglass, 

I'm helpless to erase,

Betrayal, lies, and hatred fill so much of my empty space. 

Forgive them Lord, completely, Lord, they know not what they do; 

I try so hard my father, to think and act just like you. 

How much longer will I be here, in this cold and lonely place? 

I've lost count of the tears I've cried, that stream down my sad face. 

You keep them in your bottle, Lord, I imagine what they're for. 

My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are neither nor. 

I cannot grasp the depths of love that lift me up to walk on stormy seas. 

You rescue me from darkness, I carry sin no more. Your yoke is easy, your burden is light, and each day, you carry me.

I'm tired, restless, and impatient, Lord, I trust you all my days. 

I wish that I could understand these dark and weary ways! My heart is broke in pieces, I've never felt so whole. Each day your love surrounds me, and brings comfort to my soul. 

I feel so desperate, so alone, I cannot stand my breath. I long to feel the sting of death, that robs it from my chest. 

Like Job, I curse my day of birth, each day has been so hard! I bless your name, I lift you high, my memories are blurred! 

I want to hold my children Lord, I long for their embrace! I'll wait for you, each breath, O Lord, as tears fall down my face. 

Ignite

June 1 2017


Today is the day that the sparks will ignite

You thought I'd give up but now I'm ready to fight

6 months you have tortured, shamed, and abused me

No longer will I sit back in fear allowing you to bruise me

My whole world has crumbled tumbled and cried

To the point I wish you would disappear and die

Today is the day when the sparks will ignite 

You thought I'd give up but now I'm ready to fight

No longer will I lay down 

no longer will I cry 

I'll fight till my last breath 

I'll never give up, never stop trying

You will not be the death of me

I won't give up this fight

No longer have control of me

No longer make me cry

Today is the day when the sparks will ignite 

You thought I'd give up but I'm ready to fight

No longer will I sit back in fear allowing you to bruise me

My whole world has crumbled tumbled and cried

But today is the day when the sparks will ignite

No longer will I lay down no longer will I cry 

I'll fight till my last breath 

I'll never give up, but the sparks will ignite 

Today is the day when the sparks will ignite 

You thought I'd give up but now I'm ready to fight

No longer will I lay down no longer will I cry 

I'll never give up no matter what you try

I'll fight till my last breath, I won't lay down and die. 

Cause today is the day that the sparks will ignite



House of tears


In this house full of tears 

I've cried and I've cried

Sadness falls around me until I thought I'd die

When the world falls all around me 

It's all that I can do

Remind myself of all of the crazy things that I've been through

My faith is strong and I must read

Your words That I've been standing on

Replace lies with truth again

Remembering the old me's gone

I am a child of God and loved by you you know the things I do

I am a child of God and you know all the things that I've been through

And now I'll keep on walking forward with my back against my fears

Cause I'm standing strong and moving on 

in this house you've filled with tears

I keep my mind surrounded

With all the ones I love

With a grateful heart

Each day I thank the Lord for blessings here and up above

Your presence it surrounds me

And comforts from within

And pieces me together in this house that's filled with tears

My friends and family comes and goes

No matter how I've tried

To keep it all together with

The many things I know 


I am a child of God and loved by you you know the things I do

I'm a child of God and you know all the things that I've been through

And now I'll keep on walking forward with my back against my fears

Cause I'm standing strong and moving on 

in this house you've filled with tears


I am a child of God and loved by you you know the things I do

I'm a child of God and you know all the things that I've been through

And now I'll keep on walking forward with my back against my fears

Cause I'm standing strong and moving on 

in this house you've filled with tears

Illusion

You started a war

Now I'll Settle the score

You started this Fight

Now ending this is my Plight

Never again

No longer will you win

I'll Take it all back

Close the door on your every sin

The Rift is expansive and I've reached the Conclusion

Your love isn't real, it's just an Illusion

You've kept me Imprisoned

In chains, bound in shackles 

Made every single fucking day of my life a battle 

But I've cut you off, with a double edged knife

Now I abhor you

Never again will I adore you

Forever, You repulse me

Look into my eyes

Can't you see that I despise you? 

You disgust me, make me sick, you 

Sick sadistic bitch

My heart no longer cares for you! It's locked up, on ice, pent, restrained, restricted, sealed up and protected! 

You started a war now I'm settling the score. 

Consummation

Culmination

Termination

Don't hold your breath

Not on your life

Not under any condition or occasion! 

Your Affliction is progressive, hateful and aggressive. 

Your mind is Unsound, your hearts in the ground. 

Today, I am faultless, flawless, perfect, unbroken.

I no longer consider any words you have spoken. 

You started a war, now I'll settle the score. I no longer adore you, my love trampled in the courts. 

I no longer consider any words you have spoken. 

You started a war, now I'll settle the score. 

Wish You Were Here

I'm sitting here in an old corn field

Drinking a cold beer and

Thinking about how much I wish you were here

Driving down these dirt roads playing hard in these corn rows

Watching your face lit up by the glow of the moon light

Then suddenly I realize how much I miss looking in your soft blue eyes!

I wonder what it is you're thinking now, 

Are ya thinking about me too? 

Well I miss

Kissing you on your tender lips

Touching you with my fingertips

Hearing the sounds under moonlight

Well hear this

Still thinking bout you, don't want no one else

Driving you round through these corn rows

Seeing your eyes in the moons glow

Baby where'd did yours and my love go? 

I'm sitting here in an old corn field

Drinking a cold beer and

Thinking about how much I wish you were here

Baby I wish you were here

Nowhere

Trip outta town, couldn't turn this one down! 

No matter what's wrong, you turn my frown upside down.

Inhaling the scent of those back country roads, goin somewhere with you where nobody else knows. 

Wind in my hair, your scent in my face

Every moment with you, such a familiar place.

Just me and you, our hearts set on fire! The longer the ride, the stronger the desire. 

Ridin heavy, ridin hard; breathing you in, consuming your heart.

Goin nowhere with you, and knowing right where we are. 

We're lost in each other's eyes, and loving the dark, Intense is the passion, so baby, don't put it in park! 

Don't stop for nothin,' Let's get to that place! I'm longin' to touch you, lost tight in your embrace. 

Never knew I could feel like this,

You've stolen my heart! 

Just me and you, our hearts set on fire! The longer the ride, the stronger the desire. 

Take me away to nowhere, cause that's where I wanna be. 

Don't want no other lovers,

No one but you & me. 

The roads may be twisted and winding and long; 

Each breath, every moment, the passion is strong. 

Intensity consumes me, your love moves right through me. 

Just me and you, our hearts set on fire! The longer the ride, the stronger the desire. 


Ridin heavy, ridin hard; breathing you in, consuming your heart.

Wind in my hair, your scent in my face

Every moment with you, such a familiar place.

Goin nowhere with you, and knowing right where we are. 

Death of a Mother

When the tears won't stop falling, and the pain keeps on growing...

Don't know how much more I can take, not knowing. 

If ever a day comes when I can take no more, let it be known it was caused by the courts. 

My mother and sister stole my children away, I can't hear their laughter, their voices or play. 

The days are growing darker, the time soon will change. 

The holidays are looming and haunting my brain. 

I've made phone calls and emails, calls texts and unending pleas.

I get no responses, no regards for our needs. 

We've missed almost a year, the worst of my fears fall in cascades around me.

Don't wanna keep on with all the pain and these tears that well up inside me.

To my children, I love you! I'm sorry I'm not strong. It's obvious you're doing well, and each day will go on. 

I can't live without you.

I can't stand this pain. 

No matter how hard we've strived, there's been zero gain. 

We've paid money, lost it all, written letters and made numerous calls. 

They say there is nothing they will do for us at all. 

I've written many things, it's all over the web. 

I hope the legacy I've created will be enough when I am dead. 

My heart it is simple, but too large and too deep. It calls for me to go now, one last and final sleep. 

Never doubt my love for you, every breath has been for you. I'm sorry I have failed each of you, too early in your youth. 

Please break the ties that bind you to the evilness of her generation. Else you'll be caught too in this epic self centered relation. 

Your grandmother Laverne did the same to her daughter Glenda so many years ago. Zorra Rainer can tell you so much more than I know. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

I know it's not enough. But I just can't take the heartache of remaining so tough. 

Stephen, I'm so proud of the man you've become! Please tell your brother and sister and yourself that everything I am that is anything good is all because of the three of you! 

Because of my love for you, I promise to live on. I don't know how I'll do it, but I've lasted this long! 

Someday when you escape or when they release you, please come look for me. I'll be some where surrounded by the tallest of pine trees. There'll be flowing water and wildlife and mountains galore. There at the bottom of the tallest pine floor, don't be afraid, don't worry, please knock on my door. I'll open it wide and welcome you home like never before. 

Monday, October 23, 2017

A Survivors Goodbye Letter.

My dearest Loved ones, my friends:
Goodbye.
Please take the time to read this when I have finally gone to my final resting place.
No longer in tears, no longer in pain.
I have proudly lived my life in transparency to everyone. This was the greatest achievement in the life of this survivor, aside from the birth and lives of my precious 3 children. No lies, no secrets, just truth.
The fact that I was sexually abused as a small child was well known.
The fact that my mother knew about the continued abuse of my older abuser for the remaining years of my childhood, and encouraged his presence in our home at different times throughout my childhood, even at the age of 17, is not, however, a fact that's as well known. Nor is the emotional neglect and manipulation that I still endure this moment. Every moment...
Shhhhhhhh........
No longer, shall I retain my silence!
It was only a year ago that my own eyes and mind were blasted opened to countless traumatic experiences I've endured throughout my life, as well as the ongoing emotional abuse I endure as a direct result of my hyper-active participation in a relationship with the woman I have called mother for 37 years.
Tick, tock...
Tick, tock...
Tick...
On and on the time drags on slowly... motionless. Daily, I awake in tears, crying over the dreams of my children that haunted me at night, immersed in a fresh flood of thoughts and emotions from simply being awakened by another day of cursed breath in my lungs, and the constant, and harsh reminder that I will face, yet again, another day of activities and emotions with out the loves of my life, nor able to fulfill purpose for which I was born, as a mother.
I wipe my eyes, angrily brushing the wet salty tears from my face.
My body swells with resentment and anger of the reality that is now my life. I fill my lungs with air, and hold my breath, just long enough that I feel the burn begin in my air passages... I wish they'd just explode. and then slowly, I exhale. Long, and drawn out, giving me every possible moment to stretch myself into some form of relaxation.
I don't ever really relax. My mind never slows down! It's a constant race for which resolution could be possible and also the most effective communication application. I am constantly revising what to say and how to say it, because I fear that each and every word that is ever taken from my mouth again will be manipulated, abused, and exploited!
Oh! The anger that fuels this burning heart!!!!! I scream! Why! Why all my life has it always been this way???? Why does my mother hate me??? Why is she doing this to my children???? What does she want??? Money????? Why!?!?!?
Why did all those moments on my knees and pouring my heart and soul out through the pages and pages of bibles, devotional, and concordances lead me here??? Through these emotions, thoughts, and nightmares?
What is love, anyway? Is it real?
A figment of our imaginations?
Or something we were taught to believe in, like Santa Claus?
We know the feeling, don't we?
Oh of course we do! Everything that feels even slightly warm and fuzzy gets attributed to love! Love and goodness and God. Because, they travel in 3's...
I myself have experienced love.
Love of course is penetrating. Intoxicating. A drug.
I can't stop thinking that love is what a person is supposed to feel about and from their own mother.
Yet, the feelings I have toward the woman who conceived me are vile, hateful and vengeful and I can absolutely not stand the fact that although I must gasp for every, fucking breath as a result of her actions, she is the one who tucks them in at night, sends them to school in the mornings, and accompanies my son across the field on senior night, apparently.
How. Dare she.
I wrote a poem once.
Goes like this.
What would they think if they could enter my thoughts?
I'd share the truth but in reality? I'd rather not!
I hate the game that has to be played; Just be strong they always say...
A constant battle that is so real,
I'm sick of hiding the ways that I feel.
I want to run, I want to hide...but honestly? All I can think of is suicide.
I don't want to hurt, I don't want to feel. I want to wake up and find none of this real.
I hate whats been done, I hate what they do,
God, didn't you know the only hope I had was you?
I've trusted your story, believed all those lines,
About your love, mercy grace and sacrifice.
My life is in shambles, My heart is broken and torn...
Every day is a battle, I feel hatred contempt and scorn!
I try to be grateful for all that you do,
I know that each breath comes directly from you; You say that you love me and won't cause me pain, but lately all I feel is alone broken and battered,
abandoned,
abused. Is it all in vain?
I long for your help, Lord,
Like Joseph left to die alone in that well.
Instead of leaving him helpless, you rescued and blessed him so well!
I'm sure that my thoughts can send me to hell,
My faith is in you God, you know me so well.
If I don't have you Lord, I have nothing at all;
I'm asking you now God, please,
Please....
Don't let me continue to fall...
Sometimes these things I so long to share,
Miss manners would say, this is nothing to air!
I fight to hold on, I fight every day!
What's wrong? Why fight this battle? Just trust God they all say!
They minimize my pain and don't know my sorrow...
goodnight, go to sleep, there'll be new blessings tomorrow.
Another time, I wrote the following:
I used to think a lot about running.
Like, if I went far away, then no one would know what happened and then I'd be able to do it...
I just could never figure out a way to do it without hurting people I cared for.
Then, the tables flipped, and all I could think about was how to do it and make it so my mother would hurt in the worst way possible, for the rest of her life.
I've lived with the spirit of suicide since childhood, as long as I can remember. It has been a living. Hell. An ongoing nightmare from which I could ever wake up.
All I could think about was the in-deniability of the constant, never ending pain and heartache that kept cycling over. And over. And over. Always. It has been torture. Since birth I imagine.
I'm not the one who chose to keep going...
God chose that for me.
He showed me in my spirit that he would not allow me to die until his assigned time.
In this revelation, I realized I didn't want to have to live with the stigma and embarrassment of a failed suicide attempt. I didn't want to have to share a testimony of that kind of survival with my children and grandchildren. Through this, God showed me that deep inside the God shaped hole inside my heart and soul, I desire to live. Not survive... but truly live.
Some days, I open my eyes and think oh my God. Another. Fucking. Day. I'm still. Fucking. Breathing.
A deep sigh, each of those heartbreaking days, and I breathe out, okay God. If you want me to live, you're gonna have to make me. Because I don't have the strength, stamina, or interest in doing it on my own. And it is only by his grace, and through HIS power, that I am capable of living, every. Single. Day. One moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
I should be dead. The very breath in my lungs, every single day, is absolutely and unquestionably Gods merciful miracle. Because No. I don't want to live another breath without holding my precious 3 children in my arms. Without being able to tell them I love them. Without the ability to watch them breathe... sleep... wake.... and grow.
I don't want to feel another second of this staggering pain in my chest when I inhale the bitter taste of betrayal brought to me by my own blood. People I trusted to love and protect me, no matter what!
Still, I breathe. I awake. Occasionally, I'm blessed with sleep. Regardless of my inner desire to stop feeling this excruciating pain, The Holy Spirit comes in like a flood, and gives me peace, and some kind of crazy, terrifying hope of a tomorrow that isn't wrought with torture and grief.
With this spirit driven peace, is joy. I constantly battle the fear of being disappointed with Gods answers and my reality each day. The what ifs cycle through my mind at a terrifying pace, nonstop. I must consciously, and intentionally rehearse scripture in my head, the truth of what I know to be real, regardless of the fact that every ounce of my flesh cries out in a horror film of emotions..

Saturday, May 6, 2017

The Lord Will Fight For You. 

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints …” (Ephesians 6:13-18)

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, and will say, ‘Destroy!’ ” (Deuteronomy 33:27)

“But the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one.” (2 Thessalonians 3:

“If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)

“When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him.” (Isaiah 59:19)

“Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven with the saving strength of His right hand.” (Psalm 20:6)

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and You right hand will save me. The Lord will perfect that which concerns me …” (Psalm 138:7)

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” (Psalm 34:17)

“For you shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight; for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” (Isaiah 52:12)

Do not say, “I will recompense evil;” Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” (Proverbs 20:22)

“Many a time they have afflicted me from my youth; yet they have not prevailed against me … The Lord is righteous; He has cut in pieces the cords of the wicked.” (Psalm 129:2)

“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.” (Psalm 18:2)

“But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them and deliver them; He shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in Him.” (Psalm 37:39)


Gods Promises For Families


God's promises are something He always keeps. 

Psalm 89:34, TLB. "No, I will not break my covenant; I will not take back one word of what I said."

The promises of God are yes and amen. 2 Corinthians 1:20 NJKV. "For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us."

Proverbs 14:26 In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.

There is no want to them that fear him. They that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing” (Psalms 34:9, 10).

Isaiah 49:25, NKJV. "For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children."

Psalms 127:3-5, NKJV. "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Corinthians 7:3, NKJV. "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

Ephesians 5:25-33, NKJV. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body,[d] of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

Isaiah 26:3, NKJV. "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."

Philippians 4:6, KJV. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

119:165, NKJV. "Great peace have those who love Your law, And nothing causes them to stumble."

Revelation 21:4, NKJV. "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”


Zilis


www.Zilis.com/Stephanie


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Suicide


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I wrote this just now to encourage a friend. This friend, and si many like her, encourage me each day to keep pressing on. If you're reading this, I hope that you, too, may find even a tiny glimmer of hope to press on. ~Stephanie
I used to think a lot about running.
Like, if I went far away, then no one would know what happened and then I'd be able to do it...
I just could never figure out a way to do it without hurting people I cared for.
Then, the tables flipped, and all I could think about was how to do it and make it so my mother would hurt in the worst way possible, for the rest of her life.
My final solution was to hang myself from the tall tree in her front yard. I just couldn't figure out how to do that and stab her in the face at the same time!
I've lived with the spirit of suicide since childhood, as long as I can remember. It has been a living. Hell. An ongoing nightmare from which I could ever wake up.
All I could think about was the in-deniability of the constant, never ending pain and heartache that kept cycling over. And over. And over. Always. It has been torture. Since birth I imagine.
I'm not the one who chose to keep going...
God chose that for me.
He showed me in my spirit that he would not allow me to die until his assigned time.
In this revelation, I realized I didn't want to have to live with the stigma and embarrassment of a failed suicide attempt. I didn't want to have to share a testimony of that kind of survival with my children and grandchildren. Through this, God showed me that deep inside the God shaped hole inside my heart and soul, I desire to live. Not survive... but truly live.
Some days, I open my eyes and think oh my God. Another. Fucking. Day. I'm still. Fucking. Breathing.
A deep sigh, each of those heartbreaking days, and I breathe out, okay God. If you want me to live, you're gonna have to make me. Because I don't have the strength, stamina, or interest in doing it on my own. And it is only by his grace, and through HIS power, that I am capable of living, every. Single. Day. One moment at a time... accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
I should be dead. The very breath in my lungs, every single day, is absolutely and unquestionably Gods merciful miracle. Because No. I don't want to live another breath without holding my precious 3 children in my arms. Without being able to tell them I love them. Without the ability to watch them breathe... sleep... wake.... and grow.
I don't want to feel another second of this staggering pain in my chest when I inhale the bitter taste of betrayal brought to me by my own blood. People I trusted to love and protect me, no matter what!
Still, I breathe. I awake. Occasionally, I'm blessed with sleep. Regardless of my inner desire to stop feeling this excruciating pain, The Holy Spirit comes in like a flood, and gives me peace, and some kind of crazy, terrifying hope of a tomorrow that isn't wrought with torture and grief.
With this spirit driven peace, is joy. I constantly battle the fear of being disappointed with Gods answers and my reality each day. The what ifs cycle through my mind at a terrifying pace, nonstop. I must consciously, and intentionally rehearse scripture in my head, the truth of what I know to be real, regardless of the fact that every ounce of my flesh cries out in a horror film of emotions.
My prayer is, Lord, If you're gonna make me live through this, USE IT. Use it for your glory Lord! Don't let a single tear drop fall in vain, to be wasted without absolute, God given purpose. I live out loud not just to survive, but to thrive. I share the hells of my life experiences with others so that they too, may know they aren't alone. That the pain is not in vain. That God has a plan and purpose for each of their lives, just like he does mine! There's nothing special about me. Nothing at all that's good IN me. I am a sinner in need of my savior, and uncountable distance from perfection.
I find purpose through encouraging others to find their hope and freedom in Christ... Sometimes God allows me to see a smile, or sigh of relief, or even a glint of hope in someone he's touching through me, it it fuels my next breath. My next day. My next week. Month. Year. He truly is all we need, and I can attes to this truth because I have literally lost every. Single. Piece of everything I love, at one time or another.
Except Jesus.
His promise never to leave me (or you!) is truth.
His oath of being our anchor and hope is truth.
That I have been given the mind of Christ... is truth. That he will give us strength to stand. That's truth too.
It's a battle to choose His unfailing truth over my faulty and fickle thoughts and emotions. But by his mercy and grace, he walks with me and shows me that it's possible, every single step of the way. Hope. Just a tiny bit. Faith... terrifying as it may be to know that each time I rely on his promises, things may not turn out the way I hope, is worth it. It grows. It's like tiny little seeds each time we take a step along His pathway to peace.... tiny steps, no matter... we must continue to move forward, trusting that he will make all things right if we surrender to his will! Serenity. It's possible. It really is. I love you precious one. Gods not finished with you yet. One. Step. At. A. Time.

We walk this valley together. We will walk the mountaintops together too. We will share our faith with each other when the other is running low! Together, we can do this thing called life. Not only to survive, but to thrive. Choose life. 

Friday, April 21, 2017

Hourglass of Waiting


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I'm stuck here in this hour glass,
Time is standing still.
Emotions and desires, the sands of time will heal.
Broken, bruised, abandoned,
Yet I seek to do Gods will.
I miss them every moment, each breath exhausting pain!
I'm desperate for the moment I can hold them in my arms again.
The sand runs through this hourglass,
I'm helpless to erase,
Betrayal, lies, and hatred fill so much of my empty space.
Forgive them Lord, completely, Lord, they know not what they do;
I try so hard my father, to think and act just like you.
How much longer will I be here, in this cold and lonely place?
I've lost count of the tears I've cried, that stream down my sad face.
You keep them in your bottle, Lord, I imagine what they're for.
My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are neither nor.
I cannot grasp the depths of love that lift me up to walk on stormy seas.
You rescue me from darkness, I carry sin no more. Your yoke is easy, your burden is light, and each day, you carry me.
I'm tired, restless, and impatient, Lord, I trust you all my days.
I wish that I could understand these dark and weary ways! My heart is broke in pieces, I've never felt so whole. Each day your love surrounds me, and brings comfort to my soul.
I feel so desperate, so alone, I cannot stand my breath. I long to feel the sting of death, that robs it from my chest.
Like Job, I curse my day of birth, each day has been so hard! I bless your name, I lift you high, my memories are blurred!

I want to hold my children Lord, I long for their embrace! I'll wait for you, each breath, O Lord, as tears fall down my face.


Friday, April 6, 2012

A Proverb A Day, 6

Lessons for Daily Life

6 My child,[m] if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
and are caught by what you said
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
like a bird fleeing from a net.

6 Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones.
Learn from their ways and become wise!
7 Though they have no prince
or governor or ruler to make them work,
8 they labor hard all summer,
gathering food for the winter.
9 But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep?
When will you wake up?
10 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest—
11 then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit;
scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.

12 What are worthless and wicked people like?
They are constant liars,
13 signaling their deceit with a wink of the eye,
a nudge of the foot, or the wiggle of fingers.
14 Their perverted hearts plot evil,
and they constantly stir up trouble.
15 But they will be destroyed suddenly,
broken in an instant beyond all hope of healing.

16 There are six things the Lord hates—
no, seven things he detests:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that kill the innocent,
18 a heart that plots evil,
feet that race to do wrong,
19 a false witness who pours out lies,
a person who sows discord in a family.

20 My son, obey your father’s commands, (I am reminded of my Daddy's letters he wrote me before his death, encourage me to know the Lord, to love him, so that we can all be together as a family in heaven.)
and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.
21 Keep their words always in your heart.
Tie them around your neck.
22 When you walk, their counsel will lead you.
When you sleep, they will protect you.
When you wake up, they will advise you.
23 For their command is a lamp
and their instruction a light;
their corrective discipline
is the way to life.
24 It will keep you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman.
25 Don’t lust for her beauty.
Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.
26 For a prostitute will bring you to poverty,[n]
but sleeping with another man’s wife will cost you your life.
27 Can a man scoop a flame into his lap
and not have his clothes catch on fire?
28 Can he walk on hot coals
and not blister his feet?
29 So it is with the man who sleeps with another man’s wife.
He who embraces her will not go unpunished.

30 Excuses might be found for a thief
who steals because he is starving.
31 But if he is caught, he must pay back seven times what he stole,
even if he has to sell everything in his house.
32 But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool,
for he destroys himself.
33 He will be wounded and disgraced.
His shame will never be erased.
34 For the woman’s jealous husband will be furious,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
35 He will accept no compensation,
nor be satisfied with a payoff of any size.

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A Proverb A Day, 5

Avoid Immoral Women

5 My son, pay attention to my wisdom;
listen carefully to my wise counsel.
2 Then you will show discernment,
and your lips will express what you’ve learned.
3 For the lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey,
and her mouth is smoother than oil.
4 But in the end she is as bitter as poison,
as dangerous as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.[j]
6 For she cares nothing about the path to life.
She staggers down a crooked trail and doesn’t realize it.

7 So now, my sons, listen to me.
Never stray from what I am about to say:
8 Stay away from her!
Don’t go near the door of her house!
9 If you do, you will lose your honor
and will lose to merciless people all you have achieved.
10 Strangers will consume your wealth,
and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
11 In the end you will groan in anguish
when disease consumes your body.
12 You will say, “How I hated discipline!
If only I had not ignored all the warnings!
13 Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers?
Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors?
14 I have come to the brink of utter ruin,
and now I must face public disgrace.”
15 Drink water from your own well—
share your love only with your wife.[k]
16 Why spill the water of your springs in the streets,
having sex with just anyone?[l]
17 You should reserve it for yourselves.
Never share it with strangers.
18 Let your wife (husband) be a fountain of blessing for you.
Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts satisfy you always.
May you always be captivated by her (his) love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,
or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?

21 For the Lord sees clearly what a man does,
examining every path he takes.
22 An evil man is held captive by his own sins;
they are ropes that catch and hold him.
23 He will die for lack of self-control;
he will be lost because of his great foolishness.

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A Proverb a Day, 4

A Father’s Wise Advice

4 My children,[h] listen when your father corrects you.
Pay attention and learn good judgment,
2 for I am giving you good guidance.
Don’t turn away from my instructions.
3 For I, too, was once my father’s son,
tenderly loved as my mother’s only child.

4 My father taught me,
“Take my words to heart.
Follow my commands, and you will live.
5 Get wisdom; develop good judgment.
Don’t forget my words or turn away from them.
6 Don’t turn your back on wisdom, for she will protect you.
Love her, and she will guard you.
7 Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!
And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.
8 If you prize wisdom, she will make you great.
Embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will place a lovely wreath on your head;
she will present you with a beautiful crown.”

10 My child,[i] listen to me and do as I say,
and you will have a long, good life.
11 I will teach you wisdom’s ways
and lead you in straight paths.
12 When you walk, you won’t be held back;
when you run, you won’t stumble.
13 Take hold of my instructions; don’t let them go.
Guard them, for they are the key to life.

14 Don’t do as the wicked do,
and don’t follow the path of evildoers.
15 Don’t even think about it; don’t go that way.
Turn away and keep moving.
16 For evil people can’t sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day.
They can’t rest until they’ve caused someone to stumble.
17 They eat the food of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence!

18 The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.
19 But the way of the wicked is like total darkness.
They have no idea what they are stumbling over.

20 My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
21 Don’t lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart,
22 for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.

23 Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.

24 Avoid all perverse talk;
stay away from corrupt speech.

25 Look straight ahead,
and fix your eyes on what lies before you.
26 Mark out a straight path for your feet;
stay on the safe path.
27 Don’t get sidetracked;
keep your feet from following evil.

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